So, I was reading the Black Love issue (December '09) of Essence Magazine. As I was reading, I stumbled across Real Talk, an interview by their relationships editor Demetria Lucas in which she talked with "5 single alpha-male Black men." I was very intrigued by some of the things these few good men had to say. Therefore, without further delay here is my response and take on what I read.
Well, the first subject Lucas inquired about was the age old question of why are so many Black women single? Right off the bad three (Joel, Wes and Norman) out of the five men claimed that we as Black women have standards that are too high for Black men to reach. Norman (26) went so far as to say, "They have an entitled attitude like, I deserve this. I deserve that. No, you don't!"
Dear Norman, didn't you ever listen to 'I Deserve' by Tank. Just like he deserved everything bad that happened to him because he stepped out on his good Black woman, I deserve everything wonderful for being such a wonderful and hardworking Black woman. When I'm in a relationship with a guy, I certainly feel like I'm entitled to certain things such as monogamy, honesty, loyalty, love and your attention. As far as, Black women having standards that are too high, I think more Black men can benefit from thinking more in terms of how Rich and Wes think.
Rich said that he loves women with high standards because he has to up his game to get her. And as Wes simply put it, "The men are just not on par." I mean really have no Black men ever watched the Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo? Those women feel like they are entitled to only the best and most of them are White. So, why is it that we as Black women get a bad wrap for feeling the same way?
I mean seriously, if you're trying to talk to a Black woman that's independent, on her grind and has her life together, you damn skippy she feels entitled to only the best. You better get like Wes and Rich and up your game homie. I was kind of appalled when Joel suggested that "women should lower their standards and give brothers a chance." WTF?! Why should I have to lower my standards just so you can feel like you've got a shot at love with me? I'm not Tila Tequila son.
If you feel like I'm out of your reach then that means:
1-You're lazy and not willing to take on a challenge when you're face to face with one;
2-I probably am out of your reach and you did a good thing by not even stepping to me;
or 3-You're not truly ready for love. If you want something bad enough, you'll do whatever it takes to get it.
Moving on, the next question addressed the issue of why so many Black men date White chicks over their own Nubian queens. Once again, I applaud Joel for putting it our there that this whole idea that Black women are always up in your business while White girls are passive and just let you get away with shit is a stereotype created by society. We all see what happened to O.J., Kobe and now Tiger Woods for buying into that myth. Of course, Norman felt like the reason was because Black women don't know how to meet their man halfway. Personally, I feel like Norman is on some other shit. Compromising is not a race thing. I see he's bought into the myth a little bit. White girls will bust your balls and the windows out your Escalade just as hard and quick as a Black woman will sir.
Compromising is something you learn. Each relationship is different. Maybe, I compromised this in my last few relationships and found that compromising on that specific thing didn't work out. While it's not your fault, don't be insensitive and expect me to make the compromise again after I've told you why I'm not doing it. Prove yourself and give me a reason to believe you're different. In other words, give me something worth compromising for. Then men please come out of the mindset that compromising is the woman's job. Yeah, you might be the head of the house, but giving in now and then won't change that.
Hell, if anything it will inspire us. We'll be like 'oh he did that for me, so maybe I can do this for him.' Compromise is a two way street. Learn that! When asked if Black men had quality options amongst Black women in regards to us being wife material, I think that Brian's response started well, but quickly turned South.
I agreed with him pointing out that a lot of Black men are turned off towards the idea of putting a ring on it because of their parents poor relationship model. But when started saying that listening to his friend talk about how miserably unhappy he was with his wife since they got married, I thought you're crazy and I need to meet that friend. Every marriage is unique, just because your friend is unhappy doesn't mean you will be the same. And to the friend, I would like to ask-Weren't you happy with her while you dating and romancing? Yes? Well, what's the problem now?
See a lot of people are under the misguided assumption that when you get married you're suppose to change who you are. Not the case. Marriage is just making your relationship secure in the sight of God and legal in the sight of the law. It doesn't mean that you should stop doing the things that attracted you both to each other and ultimately got you down the aisle. Your demeanor should be the same as it was before you said 'I do.'
Brian's third excuse for not wanting to get married was because "there are a lot of beautiful women out here and if you're married, you miss out on opportunities." What opportunities? Clearly, he could benefit from some therapy sessions to help battle his commitment phobia. I'm all for dating and seeing what's out there, but let's face it your fear will only make for a lot of lonely days and nights when you're old. He can enjoy the bootylicious honeys now, but when he starts getting wrinkles and balding not to mention ED, those "opportunities" as he called them will be scarce and very few.
I think Rich and Wes had the best response when it came explaining what they wanted a marriage to be. "It's an emotional and a business partnership" with someone who won't detract from your goals. I couldn't agree more. You need more than just love. Love is fleeting in our society.
Well, ladies have you ever wondered why you haven't been approached by a keeper yet? According to the guys being obnoxiously loud, trying too hard for attention, not leaving enough to imagination and entertaining every man that hollas are huge turn offs. Instead, the guys insist that we should keep it "simple and classy", don't act bourgeois, and be selective of the men we mingle with. Every guy who steps to you doesn't need to get playing time. Good guys embrace a challenge and you're too busy letting Pimping Curl and his boys spit some game in your ear, then you're going to come off as easy and willing to settle for less than your worth.
Oh and lose the hating friends. They said that they have walked away from many good women because the bitter friend got in the way. So, tell all the bitter friends to let you handle your business and check their attitudes at the door. Who knows they might get some good guy attention if hate wasn't oozing from their pores.
And when it comes to sex, surprisingly none of them were looking for a woman who could "swing from the chandeliers." You just need to be open to trying new things (different positions, oral sex, etc). Wes and Joel say that just putting on nice lingerie is enough to keep your man satisfied. Guys are visual creatures. In addition, it helps to throw on one of his shirts and just walk around in it with a little booty hanging out the bottom. Bottom line is just loosen up in the bedroom ladies and keep it sexy.
The million dollar was "What will it take for a guy to put a ring it?" Not much really. Brian says we should be independent. Norman wants his future wife to be able to keep him check and to set rules. Don't let your man walk all over you. Have big dreams and actually pursue them. Last but not least support your man's dreams and truly believe in his vision.
Overall, I certainly walked away from the article with a few pointers and some fresh insight as to what the Black men of today want. I will keep those pointers in mind as I continue to navigate the dating field. And hopefully my sistas will do the same.