My Two Cents: Marriage in America - YUMMommy

My Two Cents: Marriage in America

So, this week I've been spending a lot of time on Twitter instead of Facebook because that ridiculous question and answer game everybody and their mamas was playing on there.  I understand that games can be fun, but seriously putting all of your personal business and your true feelings about your ex out on Facebook for the entire world to read is just a bit stupid.  You have people that you don't even know on your friends list asking you about things that aren't any of their business.  Anyways, while I was on Twitter yesterday I came across a post that Eva Longoria and Tony Parker were calling it quits after seven years together ( three of those years spent married).

I was shocked because they are like the cutest couple ever and unlike some celeb couples they seemed sincerely happy and in love with each other.  At first I thought this is some kind of prank, but after checking her Twitter page it was confirmed that this was no rumor.  After, I read that I couldn't even tweet anymore.  A part of me was heartbroken and not because they're celebs.  I was heartbroken because it just seems that marriage is no longer regarded highly or something sacred and lasting in America anymore.

Just this morning, I read on Yahoo that 4 out 10 people said that marriage is being exstinct!  That's a lot once you think about it.  As a married woman myself this is not exactly reassuring news.  It does not give me hope for my daughter's future either.  What is going on that is making it so easy for people (men and women) to just up and walk away from their families?  I'm even more puzzled as to what is making some of us to put aside the morals and beliefs to live as married couples but not be married?

Honestly, I can say that I don't know what I was thinking when I decided to put aside my values and shack up with my hubby for almost 6 years.  Looking back on it, I think that if I wouldn't have moved in with him in the first place a lot of the earlier issues we experienced wouldn't have been a problem.  And we probably would have ended up married at least three years ago.  I'm glad that I put my foot down and we had that year apart.  Seeing the mistakes that I made, I'm hoping to be able to guide my daughter from making the same mistakes.

I truly believe that couples (not all) now days think that love is a cure all when it comes to marriage.  And love does cure a lot of things, but it still takes a lot of other factors to have a lasting marriage.  In my opinion, a lot people are getting divorced because they feel like they are no longer in love with their spouse and are claiming they're not the same person they married x amount of years agoe.  Well, duh that makes sense.  As we grow older we're suppose to mature and get wiser which will change who we are a little bit.

And thankful my parents thought me that you don't just get married for love because love will never be enough.  There needs to be mutual interests, security, and chemisty of course.  I can sit here and say that I didn't marry my husband just because I love him.  I married him because he was financially stabled-he had his own car, his own place and a great job.  He's a good decision maker for the most part.

He's a self-made man.  He doesn't allow himself to be defined by his past or materials.  He's educated.  This man put himself through four years of college without family to support him and no financial aid!!  I married him because he supports my dreams and my bettering myself.  We've had some obstacles to overcome and probably will have a few more hills to climb as we continue our relationship, but the one thing we agree on is that we're not going to take the easy way out.

We've agreed that whatever comes our way we're going try counseling, therapy, coupless activity, pastoral sessions, etc to make our marriage work.  Why?  Well, marriage takes work.  We have a realistic view of what marriage really is.  While we'd like for everyday to be a walk in the park we know that it's not realistic and so you have to have a plan.  And our plan is that divorce is not an option.

The truth is that you're never going to find that person that makes you happy 100 % of the time and ultimately you should never look for other people or things to make you happy anway.  You are in charge of your own happiness.  The people we allow into our lives are only their to share in our happiness.

We as Americans have to better.  While most of us are worried about the economy being in depression, we need to be more focused on her personal lives and morals being in a depression.  We need to go back to days when marriage and family were sacred and meant something.

7 comments

  1. OMG!! I was just having thoughts on this today. In those numbers are people who married for all of the wrong reasons. Like you said love will never be enough, people marry for money, children, to satisfy familial pressures. I truly believe the number of people that marry their friends are far less than those who marry for some type of so called gain or for the purpose of "keeping up with the Jones'" I have been married for five years, and man it hasn't been easy, but when love wasn't enough our friendship carried us. At the end of the day, I feel sorry for people who look at these numbers and decide they will never marry or have a bad sense of marriage. At the end of the day I would rather have been married and it didn't work than to never have been married at all. People need to get a good grip on what it takes to make marriage work and maybe just maybe these numbers will be more encouraging.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh man. I am right there with the both of you! I married my husband after three months and it was because I'd been around the block, I'd dated several different types of guys, and never had I had the same connection that I do with my husband. There was obviously LOVE [that first few months, honeymoon kind of love] but there was that desire [on both parts] to fall deeper in love, to grow old with each other, to have a family...to essentially, never be apart. And our interests were similar but different at the same time. I can learn from him, he can learn from me. And a big factor for me, was comfort. I felt like myself for the first time in my life and I didn't have to be someone other than just me. And we're just rounding out our second year of marriage. We have one outside baby and one inside baby. And it. IS. TOUGH. OMG IT IS TOUGH. But we went in REALISTICALLY and said, "look...we're jumping the gun. we're sure this is where we want to be. so this is what we're doing. and when it gets tough, we're going to exhaust every single option out there." divorce has come up in conversation once and it was so hard. but we both know that it isn't an option. i think the problem is that people just go in thinking, "i can always leave". but it's not that easy. if divorce went back to being a sort of "taboo" or "not as socially accepted" thing [unless under dire circumstances]...then i think people will treasure marriage and not jump into it lightly.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks ladies. I agree that people shouldn't look at our current divorce rate and get afraid to make that lasting commitment. In addition,I agree that divorce does need to be something that we go back to making "taboo" and less socially acceptable. It's time that we condition our children that relationships are serious and that it's important to respect the person you're with and their emotions, beliefs and goals in life. Only then we will be creating a generation that is more prepared to actually take the responsibility of marriage.

    Most people's mindsets are already in the wrong place from the start. Even in the dating or courting stages their minds are conditioned to think that 'oh if I see something better, I can always leave.' Well, as that old phrase goes 'the grass is not always greener on the other side.' I'm hoping and praying that I'm raising my daughter right and that she won't ever settle for a man who feels that leaving her is always an option and vice versa I don't want her thinking the samething with the exception of abusive relationships.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is an eye-opening post for some and a confirmation for others. Thanks for posting. It does take a lot of work. You have to set boundaries also within your marriage. Before I got married to my husband, I told him there was one non-negotiable. Cheating. Sometimes couples can get past it but I knew I couldn't. He agreed and we have been (for the better part) happily married for 6 years. Thanks for posting such a dialogue driven post.

    ReplyDelete
  5. @PrincessZaria-You're right. Couples do need to set boundaries and make a list of deal breakers before they say 'I do.' You'd be amazed at how many married couples are married to people that want totally different things out life and their spouses didn't know because they never took the time to talk about it. I was just reading a story about a woman in her midthirties and she's been married to her husband for ten years and she just found out he doesn't want kids. She said that she doesn't know what to do because she really wants them.

    She's finding out that love may not be enough to keep her marriage together if they can't reach some compromise on the children front. So, we need to put our emotions aside sometimes and get down to the real business. At the end of the day love only does not make a lasting marriage.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Marriage is work and people don't want to work for anything these days. It's an amazing miracle for every couple that stays married, and happily at that!

    I think part of the problem is that women don't want to play their role in the marriage. I could go on and on about that.

    ReplyDelete
  7. @Darcel-Ain't that the truth. It seems like more and more people feel like things should be handed to them on silver platters without having to do anything to get it. And I know completely what you're talking about in regards to some women not wanting to play their role in the marriage. Marriage is a partnership and you can't have one partner doing all the work!

    ReplyDelete